Monster

I sit in the silence surrounded by the anger that shrouds my sense of being, she won't say a word but the holes in the walls surrounding me tell me exactly what she's feeling, the bigger the hole, the more I have seemingly " fucked things up" for her, I've ruined everything to her, that day I told her I couldn't be with her anymore was the day I ruined her life, am I wrong for having trouble feeling remorse? I've spent my whole life doing things to make others happy and I still do it to this day and it's hard to reverse it, I had my mind made up that day I decided to break her heart, a decision that was for me for once, not for anyone else, it was all for me, to make myself better. Why do I feel horrible though, why does she continue to degrade me and point out my flaws every chance she gets?

We live separate lives now, or atleast I am trying to, but I know she is still stuck on the mindset that our lives are still entwined, that I am responsible for her happiness, that I must bow down to her needs and make her happy still, because she doesn't know how to find happiness on her own. I know I owe it to her, to help her find her way on her feet again, but how do I live my own life, finding my own way to happiness if I have to help her every step of the way find her way? I can't live two lives anymore, I need to cut lose the ties and move on, move up, and find serenity away from these tattered edges and holed walls that cage me in...

She wants to get away, find time away from me, I agree it may help, I know it will help me hide this monster that I've apparently become, maybe when she comes back I'll be a better person to her, maybe the holes will be patched up and we can find our friendship again, until then I'll dry my tears and learn to deal with the anger...